Joining the Resistance

So I'm cruising down the street on my ultra cool speed bike, using the full power of all seven of its gears, and with the wind blowing through my safety helmeted hair, I'm feeling cool. Very cool. In the style of fight-the-resistance-like-Tatsuya-Ishida type of cool. He worries about being too-gangsta. And I feel for him. I worry I'm too cool sometimes. Too street. Too one with those who keep it real. I mean I can't help it if I think deep thoughts while I'm running up that hill. Running in circles in my mind. Running to stand still. I ponder the wonders of winter and I think of fire and rain. I contemplate loving those who would crucify me and how life is just a bunch of choices. Choices I make every day. Choices that are small and meaningless or sometimes very meaningful. Like picking up a stick, you automatically pick up the far end of the stick when you pick up the close end. You can make a choice but you can't choose the consequences of your choice. You can choose to love someone who doesn't love you back. You can choose to hate someone who hurt you. You can choose to forgive them and wish them the best. You can choose to speak to them, or you can choose to live the rest of forever not in communication with them. You can get up and be happy or you can spend all day in bed dreaming about a better world. You can remember things or you can try to forget them. You can't however make anyone do anything they don't want to. You can lead a horse to water but you can't make it drink. You could try to lead a donkey somewhere but everyone knows its just a stubburn mule and you really can't lead a dumb ass anywhere it doesn't want to go. You can wait for the mule to move. You could wait a long time. You could wait forever. It's your choice. You can realise that all good things must come to an end. You can walk on. You can choose to leave and you can choose to not look back. You can leave someone standing there with their jaw on the ground. You can't choose if that person will be hurt, angry, sad, or miss you. Those are choices the other person must make for themselves. You can choose your own destiny. You can be the captain of your own soul. You can walk the road less travelled. You can fight the dying of the light. You can choose to never surrender. You can decide to not go quietly. You can decide you're not ready to make nice. You can scream to the four winds your frustration. You can do it all but you can never go back in time and unbreak broken. You can pick up the biggest pieces and try to glue it back together but chances are that broken will never be the same again. And one day you'll realise it's just so much easier to try and replace the broken antique irreplaceable piggy bank with something new and different, because the truth is neither can you repair the broken nor can you replace it with something of equal value because the new piggy bank doesn't have the history of the old one and never will, but one day far in the future the new piggy bank will be valued for its history too. You can't always get what you want, but you might get what you need. Then again, you might not. You'll likely get something. And something is likely better then nothing. And maybe we all just need someone to keep us from being lonely. And that's why cats are a girls best friend. Right after diamonds of course. Big fat shiny expensive gigantic diamonds. Lots of them. Also pearls. I'm kinda partial to emeralds and rubies too. Oh and turquoise stones. I love turquoise. And opals. I'm a total sucker for opals. More opals please.

Over and out.

-Em.

Notorious rebel without a cause. Lost without a clue. These are my thoughts not yours. Don't be confused. Do not adjust your mind, it's just reality that is distorted.

Taking it to the limit

I was in the midst of deep thoughts again. Sorta my usual thing to do while biking home. And I was thinking about limits. Everyone has limits. Some people like to live on the edge. Some people like to play it safe. As I pondered the notion I realised that for me, there are some areas of my life that I have to play it safe, and in other things I'm eager to push the limits to the horizon. Let me explain.

I love fast rides. I always have. This is why growing up, I was the girl that buys the all day midway pass and races from ride to ride every year at the exhibition (the Ex is what we called it growing up, for my American friends you can insert State Fair here). Anyhow I loved going on rides. I remember sometimes I would feel a bit scared to try a new ride, but having daredevil friends I'd always get suckered into getting on the latest and greatest crazy ride from hell. And honestly I don't think I've really been on a ride that was worse then it looked. Usually I'd get off the ride and be back in line again for more. And with all the spinning, whirling, twisting and turning motions, both forwards or backwards - or my favourite the centrifugal force, I can honestly say I've never yet gotten sick from a ride. I've got a rock solid stomach!

When I got a little bit older I discovered boys and cars. Will Smith said it best in his song, "She said, 'Drive fast speed turns me on...' ". I do love speed and fast cars. I like to ride in fast cars, and the rare time I've been allowed to drive one I've loved it too. I also just like to watch fast cars. Thus I find watching car racing fun. I've been to the Vancouver Indy a few times and I'm planning to make it out to Edmonton this July for this years Indy. I love the sound of the cars screaming by me at ridiculus speeds. I guess I get this cheap thrill out of it all that I don't quite understand.

On the other hand I can tell you about a couple thrills I can pass on. I have no desire to try parachuting. I've never jumped from a perfectly good plane and I don't think I ever will. I can't figure out why I'd want to waste the money on it - its just not my thing. I've never wanted to bungee jump. In fact the bungee jump type stuff they do at the fairs usually scares me. I think its too dangerous and not worth the risk. I've heard of too many accidents. Frankly jumping from an airplane might be safer of the two. If I had to bungee jump I'd do it over water off a bridge. None of this cement paving to break my fall - thank you!

So when it comes to rides, generally I don't think they can ever go too fast, go in too many circles, go too high, or any such thing. I say bring it!

I do have a lot of other limits. I have spiritual and emotional limits. I live by some pretty strict limits that my church encourages, however in reality I follow them because I self impose them. Do you honestly think my priest follows me around checking up on me daily? No. I could break any tenants of my faith if I so chose, but I choose to limit myself to obedience. It's a touch choice. On some topics tougher then others. Sometimes I fail to be consistent in my choices. Then I spend a lot of time beating myself up until I find a way to repent and make peace with myself and my God. I've learned I've got some tough limits to live by on my spiritual and emotional side.

Here's where I could talk about my failures to properly identify risks in my personal relationships. I know I've made some choices with the inner goal of playing it safe. This past year I've learned that even trying to mitigate certain risks in my life as best as I could, has still left me in a situation I never wanted to be in. And now, I'm asking myself what are my limits? What can I live with. Its too late to play it safe. Its too late to take some risks. So what is the reward that I really want? What am I willing to do to get that reward?

Life is tough and I guess I'm still re-evalutating. I wish I didn't have to but that's just how it goes. Life throws you curve balls. Life takes your safety zone and tosses it out the window. We survive our personal 9-11's but we are never quite the same. And our personal definitions of safety and risks and limits become challenged and redefined.

**These are my deep thoughts not yours. Don't be confused. I am.**

On a happy note heres a few cute comics I just found....

Centrifugal Force http://xkcd.com/c123.html
Blogofractal http://xkcd.com/c124.html
The Fast and the Furious http://xkcd.com/c127.html
DPAIN over DT http://xkcd.com/c128.html

I Believe

I believe that every pain we experience is both individually unique (no one has suffered our exact circumstances but us) and yet common amongst our large world. Thus lyrics from particular songs will strike us, because we basically all feel the same inside. We are not alone in our suffering. We are not alone. Someone said, that If I feel pain and I hurt, then You are hurting too. Maybe it's true. In our world of political correctness, fear of showing our emotions and other ridiculus immaturities, we just don't get too many chances to ask the You about if that thing which caused me great hurt did also hurt them. I can assume it did. I can also assume you dealt with it fairly successfully because it looks like you are living your life just fine. But we all know about the pitfalls of the ass-u-me. We also know that sometimes its better to just leave things alone. It's not necessary to talk about everything. It's not necessarily healthy. So we don't. And we fill the gap between you and I with silence and time, and then we hope that the gulf between us can one day be filled with something else. But I think I've learned that the gap is always there and it can not be filled. It just becomes irrelavant to daily living. Perhaps it becomes unimportant. Like the starving children in Africa somethings don't go away. We just don't have to look at them or think about them if we don't want to. We don't have to deal with them. And we praise and admire the people who can make the personal sacrifices to better the lives of those poor starving kids in Africa. Those are the ones we praise. Secretly I think we admire the people who do find the courage to deal with the catastrophes in their own lives. These silent heroes are not well known but when we meet someone that has that inner integrity, it does put us to shame.

Tears for Fears - I Believe

I believe that when the hurting and the pain has gone
We will be strong, oh yes we will be strong
And I believe that if Im crying while I write these words
Is it absurb ? or am I being real
I believe that if you knew just what these tears were for
They would just pour like every drop of rain
Thats why I believe it is too late for anyone to believe

I believe that if you thought for a moment, took your time
You would not resign yourself to your fate
And I believe that if its written in the stars, thats fine
I cant deny that Im a virgo too
I believe that if your bristling while you hear this song
I could be wrong or have I hit a nerve ?
Thats why I believe it is too late for anyone to believe

I believe that maybe somewhere in the darkness
In the nighttime, in the storm
In the casino
Casino spanish eyes
I believe, no I cant believe that every time you hear a new born scream
You just cant see the shaping of a life
The shaping of a life


Lauryn Hill - I Used To Love Him

As I look at what Ive done
The type of life that Ive lived
How many things I pray the father will forgive
One situation involved a young man
He was the ocean and I was the sand
He stole my heart like a thief in the night
Dulled my senses blurred my sight

I used to love him but now I dont
I used to love him but now I dont

I chose a road of passion and pain
Sacrificed too much and waited in vain
Gave up my power ceased being queen
Addicted to love like the drug of a fiend

Torn and confused wasted and used
Reached the crossroad which path would I choose
Stuck and frustrated I waited, debated
For something to happen that just wasnt fated
Thought what I wanted was something I needed
When momma said no I just should have heeded
Misled I bled till the poison was gone
And out of the darkness arrived the sweet dawn

I used to love him but now I dont
I used to love him but now I dont

Father you saved me and showed me that life
Was much more than being some foolish mans wife
Showed me that love was respect and devotion
Greater than planets deeper than oceans
My soul was weary but now its replenished
Content because that part of my life is finished

I see him sometimes and the look in his eye
Is one of a man whos lost treasures untold
But my heart is gold I took back my soul
And totally let my creator control
The life which was his to begin with

I used to love him but now I dont
(repeat to end)

My Great Ideas

The last few days my brain has been inundated with great ideas.
The kind that one day someone else will take advantage of and make millions.

In the meantime - I thought of them first!

First of all our library needs a new position. This job will be official porn site tester. That's right, somebody must go and visit all those naughty sites we are supposed to be blocking to make sure they are in fact legitimate and really hard corn porn. The qualified applicant must be willing to surf the web all day looking at inappropriate material and be willing to rank them as true porn or not. Even at minimal wage I don't believe we would have any trouble filling this position.

Secondly I believe that with all this social networking, that someone needs to get smart and make a networking site to link you to your enemies. It is a bit of a rough sell I know, and definitely puts one at liable for slander, but hey didn't f***ed company do that? Which brings me to my sales tag line.... "A lot like f***edcompany.com - except this time it's personal!"

Friend categories, would be things like enemy categories. Face it, if you know them and don't want to be their friend there just isnt a way to categorize it on all the regular social networking sites. This website would let you proclaim to the world, "Yeah I know this person and don't want to be associated with them because..."

- We went out and then I got smart. Do the math.
- We used to be friends before that incident I'll never forget.
- We used to work together. Never again!
- We weren't friends at school.
- We have nothing in common except our dislike for each other.
- We've never even met, thank goodness!
- We are eternal enemies.

Anyhow after someone steals my anti-friend 2.0 website I'll be wishing I had the copyright.

Bookmarklets

I found this great site today about bookmarklets. This fellow offers great instructions to do it yourself, so if you've ever wanted to write your own, I suggest you view his tips.
http://www.sam-i-am.com/work/bookmarklets/index.html

And of course, don't forget to see what everyone else has already done.

http://www.bookmarklets.com/